At War With Yourself

     You sit in your bedroom, alone in the darkness. You slap yourself; you punch the wall; you kick and scream, expecting to feel better. Expecting to be healed from all the pain that is swelling deep within your heart. You’re crying and it burns like fire rolling down your cheeks. Each and every tear is a reminder of the past. A reminder of what you did yesterday and the day before that. Your tears are flowing down your face and you have no idea if they are ever going to stop. The pain is unbearable; you feel as though your heart is about to burst out of your chest. You try and calm yourself, but it gets worse with every memory that crosses your mind. I’ve gone insane, you think to yourself, as the tears continue to fall. You have bruises on your knuckles, a hand print on your face, and emotions scattered all over the ground. You medicate with anything you can get your hands on. It only lasts for a minute and then the pain comes flooding back into your soul faster than before. You can’t breathe, your lungs feel as though they’re about to collapse, as you sit in the corner curled up in a ball. You long for the touch of another human. The comfort of a hug, a long one that calms the soul with its warmth. Those bruises and marks you have on your skin, can’t compare to the lacerations you’ve had on your heart for the past four years. They have tried to heal but it seems that every time they start to scab over someone comes along and rips them wide open to start the healing process all over again. The sad thing is, most of the time you’re the one who allowed them to do it. By never opening up about the pain in the first place. This is why you sit in your room now in this pit of despair that seems impossible to get out of. The same problems you had four years ago are the same ones you are having today because all you did was sweep them under the rug and hide them from the world around you. Eventually, though, that rug has to be moved, whether by you or someone else. The problems, the emotions, the demons lurking deep inside your soul will always come back out to play. Whether you want them to or not. That’s how demons work. They hide until just the right moment when you’re weak. When life has hit you upside the head, they come in and try to finish the deal. They want to take everything you have. From your joy to life itself. The scary part is; that you’re the one who invited them in. They walked around you for so long that you finally believed their lies that they were whispering in your ear and allowed them to consume your soul. Ever since then they have been playing games with your mind. One minute you’re fine. Life is going great, you have a great job, a great relationship, awesome friends, a few sins here and there but they aren’t that important. You then realize though over time that those little sins have consumed your life. You think you can handle it until the bottom falls out and all that’s left is you, the floor, and the scars left all throughout your body. That’s when they attack. At your weakest is when they know they can consume your heart and mind; only making things worse than before. You allow them in again because what else do you have to lose. You’ve lost everything else, and now you don’t even have someone to talk to about it. You feel all alone. So you turn to the only thing left; yourself. You’ve hurt everyone else; now it’s your turn.

     Turn up the bottle, pop the pills, hit the wall, and let everything go. That’s what you want right? To let everything go. To let the past slowly fade out of your mind, so that for just one night you don’t have to think about the constant pain that seems to never stop flowing through your veins. Feel the warmth of that drink slowly going down, as your mind starts to fade into a dazed version of reality. Pop that pill, drink some water and watch the world cease to exist as you fall into a deep sleep. Smash your hand into that wall, and watch the blood start to flow from your knuckles, feel the deep seizing pain as it takes your mind off of your dying soul. Everything’s gone, for a second, life is calm. No more depression, no more memories, only calmness. You sit their confused and disoriented from the demons that just entered into your body for the hundredth time. Your brain is searching for something to grab onto as you hit the floor. The next morning you wake up with ten more demons surrounding you. They took over again, you think, but then something clicks within your soul. You realize you are the one who invited them in and let them stay in the first place. You scramble for an answer as to why you did this to yourself. You close your eyes and are reminded of the pain, the heartaches, the depression that seemed to never go away. Your eyes are stilled closed as you see visions of alcohol, pills, and anger. You look down at your knuckle and realize the pain you have been causing yourself. You look towards the table next to you and see a half-empty bottle of pills lying on its side and realize how much damage you’ve caused your body. You look at the floor and see the empty bottle of whiskey and realize how messed up you really are. You sit there in your room, alone in the darkness, for the second day in a row. It’s different today though now you realize what is going on. The question is how are you going to fix it? Before you can answer that question thoughts start rolling through your mind again. Anxiety begins to take over and the depression just won’t leave you alone. You know what your doing is harming you and will eventually kill you if you don’t stop, but those ten new demons begin to whisper in your ear just as you start to grasp for air. You reach for your phone and the next comforter that enters your mind. You search anything you can find that will please your troubled heart. You get your fix and then you start your day again. Drained even more than before. You go to work like everything is fine and you put on that smile and hide underneath that rug once again. You pop some more pills to help you with the headache from the night before. When people ask, you smashed your hand in a door on accident. After work, you go home and sit in that darkness again. The same cycle begins to take place like it has each night for the past month. You sit there and think that the demons will never leave. They will always be a part of you and you will always be a part of them. Each night a new demon comes to pass, a new fear that you have to hide underneath that rug with everything else. Wednesday comes and you go to work like normal then after work you go to church like you have since you were a child. You go in and put on that fake smile once again. You act like everything is fine. You fellowship and have a good time, just like every other week. Everyone thinks your perfect, you know the Word like the back of your hand. You’ve been raised in this you know everything about it. People come to you for advice and you try your best to help them. You know that book, you know those rules, you know every single dictum that you are supposed to follow. You do well inside of those four walls, it’s easy. None of those people see you in the dark, so what does it matter. On the outside, you’re perfect, on the inside your overwhelmed by the demons consuming your soul. You don’t know who this God is in these stories you read; all you know about is His enemy. That’s the one you’re most acquainted with. You’ve met him in the dark, you’re friends with him. You’ve been holding his hand for a while now. His enemy is now your enemy. He makes you think that God is the reason for all of your depression, anxiety, anger, and fear. He makes you think that this medicating your doing every night is the real fix. It will never let you down. That bottle will always be there ready to calm your troubled mind. Those pills will always help you sleep when the fear becomes too much to bear. You can always find something or someone to take your anger out on. So, why do you need this God they keep talking about. He hasn’t seemed to help you yet. His enemy seems more trustworthy than He does. You leave that church with hugs and prayers just like every week before. You go home and sit in the darkness once again. You start to think about the memories, the good times and the bad. The comfort you felt when you were living in them. The joy they brought you, the love that is still in your heart. You can’t deny it but you want so badly too. You want to erase those memories; you wish you would have never met them. Then maybe, just maybe, you wouldn’t be going through all of this pain. You reach for the bottle one more time, but you’re too weak. Each night you have become weaker and weaker and now you’re out of tears, you’re out of energy, and you’re out of desires. Your heart has leaked out every ounce of love you once had. Every tear that was in your body has all been cried out. You’re done; there is nothing else to do. There is nowhere else to go. You have hit the bottom and yet you tried to keep digging. It was solid rock below your feet, but you still attempted to go downward. The pain is still there, but it has now turned to numbness. It has turned to stare at a blank wall wondering what to do next. You can’t go back and you can’t keep digging this hole, so what are you supposed to do next? This life you’re living can’t go on for much longer. You sit there and you think. Then you do something you’ve never done before you scream at God. You cry out to Him. You get mad at Him. You think He is the reason you are alone. Those tears you thought were gone begin to come back; harder now. You cuss, you yell, you tell him everything that is wrong with your life. You blame it on Him; you can’t understand it, you can’t understand Him. After it’s all said and done you feel something you haven’t felt since you were a child in your father’s arms. You feel a sense of peace. You can’t imagine it’s from God, you just cussed Him out. For some reason though; you know it’s from Him. This is the first time you have felt the true comfort of God. Those demons inside of you start to scream. You can’t understand what’s going on, but you feel free. You do something that you’ve never done before, willingly at least, you get down on your knees and pray. You tell God everything. The nights filled with drinking, pills, and anger. You tell Him you’re sorry. You tell Him you want to serve Him. It’s over now right? All the pain; all the anxiety; all the fear. You believe it is, so you go to bed; for the first night with a sense of peace and understanding. You feel loved again, you feel wanted, you feel like you belong. You wake up the next morning ready for this new life you’ve chosen you’re excited to see where God is about to lead you. You turn on the radio, as you head to work. The first song begins to play and that peace is gone. That sense of joy and love begin to fade away. It had to be that song, you think to yourself. All the pain starts pressing in on your heart again. And the cycle, that has tried to kill you so many times, starts to turn inside your head. It’s different this time though, it’s slower. You still have a small sense of peace burning deep inside of you. You feed off of that sense You let it grow. You stop in the middle of the road. You jump out of your truck. You drop to your knees. You cry out to Jesus. You look back into your window and remember the bible you’ve had sitting on your dash for the past four years. You get up, open the door, grab the Bible, and walk out into the woods. You open up that Word by yourself for the first time in your life. You sit down on the ground, lean up against a tree, and your eyes fill with tears. You read and read and read until you see that glory that everyone around you has been talking about your whole life. Your soul was filled with more than just whiskey, pills, and anger. It was filled by the perfect Word of God, it was filled by Jesus Christ Himself! You continue to cry as you sit there all alone in those woods. Those scars on your heart feel as though they are healing now. You can’t even think about the past, all the memories, all of the sins. You read in this book that they are all forgiven, that they are as far as the east is from the west, and you begin to cry harder. Why did it take you so long to see this amazing glory everyone has been talking about? Was it God holding you back, was it because you weren’t good enough until now? No, you hear in the back of your head. You look around to see who’s talking, and then you realize it’s God. He tells you that He wasn’t the one holding you back; you were. You think to yourself that can’t be true. You went to church every week three times a week. You prayed with people, you did what the preacher told you to do. How could you have been holding back on this amazing relationship with God? Then you remember all the nights you held hands with the enemy. All the nights you got yourself into that pit and couldn’t seem to get yourself out. Not once did you cry out to God. All you did was sit in your room and let the enemy continue to attack you over and over and over again.

     You thought God was against you, but in all reality, He was there throughout everything. Watching you as you destroyed yourself only because you wouldn’t turn to Him. When you did though, every weight was lifted off your shoulders and you began to truly understand who God is. He wasn’t just another fairytale in a book of made up stories. He was and is the God of this universe; all powerful and almighty. You see; He will only take away what you are willing to give up to Him. If you want to hold on to that bottle, those pills, that anger, or anything else that is slowly killing your soul; He will never force them out of your hands. When you finally give it up to Him, that’s when miracles are possible. The moment you hand Him everything is the moment He’ll take it all and put it exactly where it needs to be. If you are in this place; wrapped up in depression, anxiety, fear, or addiction, the only thing that is going to save you is dying to yourself. Give it all up to God, because no matter how hard you pray, or how many time you go to church; nothing will ever get better until you release everything from your soul and let God take it. You may be this person in the darkness, gasping for air, looking for anything to calm your troubled mind, looking for comfort in anything you can get your hands on. What you need to realize though is that God is the comforter, He is the calmness you have been searching for. There is hope, even in the deepest valley. When you are at the bottom it may seem as though you are all alone; that God is nowhere to be found. He is always there right by your side though. You may not feel Him, you may not hear Him, but He is always there. No matter what you go through He will never leave you nor forsake you. Sometimes, you don’t hear Him or feel Him because you’re not allowing Him in, you’re not allowing Him to take hold of all of your problems. You think that you can handle them yourself, or that others can take them away from you. I’m here to tell you that God is the only one who can take those troubles, pains, and heartaches away from you! HE IS THE ONLY WAY! He made you, He knows every single part of you, from the top of your crown to the bottom of your feet. He is the answer to all of life’s problems. You won’t find any answers between those four walls if you never open up your heart to God. His Word, His love, His sacrifice, and the fellowship of His people; that is where you will find freedom from the world around you and yourself. He can and will set you free. It is your choice today though. Will you stay in that box filled with depression, fear, anxiety, addiction, and pain? Or will you give everything up to God? It is all up to you…

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