Ghost

There is a ghost in my mirror.

A woman that I don’t even know.

An image from my past I don’t want to see.

She stares back at me as I look into that mirror.

I tremble when I realize that ghost is me.

I have lost who I am.

And all that’s left of me is the ghost of who I used to be.

Where did I go?

I died to myself long ago.

But it seems as though I can’t run from these memories.

My regret, my heartache, my sins.

They seem to always come out in my weakest moments.

So, this ghost keeps staring.

And I can’t stop glaring.

At the terror, I see staring back at me.

I thought that version of me was dead long ago.

I guess I was wrong.

Cause all I see now when I focus on my reflection is the version of me I never wanted to see again.

I guess I never really recovered.

I guess I wasn’t really born again like they told me I was.

Or maybe I just fled from who I once was and never really changed.

I just disengaged from the society around me.

Maybe I didn’t give it all up like I told everyone I did.

Was it me or was it You?

Did I leave You or did You leave me?

I don’t know anymore

If I was to guess though that ghost would tell me the truth.

You were always there to soothe my troubled mind.

I never gave it all up to You though.

Not once and for all.

That’s why this ghost is still here haunting me day and night.

Frightening the woman who Iives deep within my soul.

Keeping me from living, breathing, loving.

Keeping me from opening my heart to anyone at all.

This isn’t the first time I’ve seen this ghost in my mirror.

It’s a recurring appearance that comes and goes.

I can’t do it anymore though.

It scares me.

It irritates my soul.

So, I cry out to You.

When I glance back into that mirror that ghost is crying along with me.

She has been there for the past four years.

She’s trapped.

This ghost of mine.

In the past.

In the person I once was.

I feel for her.

Because I was never good.

I never had any joy or happiness.

She’s trapped in the place I have been trying to get out for as long as I can remember.

The question is how do I remove her from my troubled mind?

If I leave this mirror will she go away?

Will the memories go with her?

Will the heartaches and pain follow alongside her?

I don’t know.

So, I walk away from that mirror.

I find myself wondering back through every so often and she’s always there.

She stays there day and night.

Living in me.

Living amongst my heart, mind, and soul.

I can’t forget all the sins.

I can’t forget all the good nights that ended with terrible memories.

My troubled past lives in that mirror.

Lives in that ghost that won’t seem to leave me alone.

So, I cry out to you once more.

With everything, I have on the line.

I finally pray without being mad.

I pray without regret.

I pray without fear.

I pray with a free soul.

It wasn’t the ghost and it wasn’t me.

It was You and You alone.

That ghost in the mirror smiled for the first time today.

My troubled past became only a mear picture on the wall.

That’s all I have to remind me of that ghost.

She is free now.

She is free to go on and leave me alone.

No more fear, regret, or pain.

Those nights and days filled with sin are all gone now.

I go back to that mirror I once feared.

I look into it with all the confidence You gave me.

A woman I’ve never seen before is there.

She looks at me and smiles.

The brightest and most glorious smile I’ve ever seen in my life.

An image of my future looks me dead in the eye.

I smile back and I know.

The ghost is gone.

My troubled mind is free.

I found out who I am when that ghost left me.

She was me and I was her.

Only a reflection.

Only a reminder of where I once was.

She reminded me of how far I’ve come and how far I must go.

She is long gone now.

She will always be in my memories though.

Reminding me of how far God’s brought me.

Reminding me that He can do all things.

She is a ghost, a mere memory, but she is me and I am her.

oval brown wooden framed hanging mirror

Photo by Nadine Wuchenauer on Pexels.com

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